


"Almost"

by AllyDog57



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Breakup, F/M, Feel-good, Hope, Love, teenage love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:33:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26365750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllyDog57/pseuds/AllyDog57
Summary: Riley has just broken up with her best friend and boyfriend, Alex, because of her anxiety issues. But he stays by her side, hoping to lift her up at the end of a disastrous day.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Kudos: 2





	"Almost"

**Author's Note:**

> This was based off a prompt found on the Internet:  
> "Write a story that captures the sadness of the word: 'almost.' "

We almost made it. We had almost been happy together.

But I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

He was sweet and kind. He understood what I was going through. Offered his advice when I needed it and gave me space when I wanted it. He did a lot for me. Gave up a lot of me.

But I was selfish and scared. Scared of commitment. Scared of awkwardness, embarrassment. I held back because of what I thought others would think. That it would break up our friend group. That I would eventually be shunned, just like years ago.

He couldn’t take it anymore. It ate at him: he would reach towards me, but I would step away out of worry, fear. He would say “I love you” and instead of replying, I would look down. At my feet. Because I feared my emotions, my anxiety. Of what I would do under the influence of love.

I told him it wasn’t him. I told him it was me, what I had gone through in the past.

He still ended it.

“We almost made it,” he told me. “I kept telling myself that if I hold out longer, that you will overcome your anxiety. That if I stayed and supported you, you would fight back, and you will not care what others think, or what will happen in the future.”

I told him I was trying. That I was fighting those poisonous thoughts. But it was hard. And I needed time.

“I’ve given you time, Riley,” he replied. “I’ve given you the past five years. I didn’t even push the topic of dating on you at first, ever. I waited for you. I waited for you to say yes. It took you four years to say it, but I still waited. Waited for you” He had paused, running a hand through his hair. “I’ve given you so much time. To think. To be alone. To talk.”

I’ve appreciated that. I took that time, used it to help myself become better…

“I loved you. But did you ever love me?”

Those words tore through me. More than I ever wanted to admit.

I had loved him. Ever since he first confessed his love years ago. At first, I had told myself not to love him out of sheer fear. But I had talked to him. Texted him. Called him. He listened to my late-night rants, my anxious thoughts, my fears and worries. He comforted me, soothed me. He made sure that I knew that he was by my side the entire time. Because he loved me.

But eventually telling myself not to fall in love again failed. I fell for him. Completely, wholly.

I loved him for his understanding. For caring for me. For seeing me for who I really am and not some crazy person buried in her thoughts. I still love him for it.

And yet our relationship fell apart.  _ Almost _ . I hate that word. We  _ almost  _ made it.

Meaning we would have made it if it wasn’t for me. My out of control thoughts. How it affected my actions, my words. If I had done better…

“I’ll always be there for you, Riley,” he had said. “I’ll always be your friend. I will support you, care for you… But I just won’t… love you. It’ll be like old times.” He had folded me in a hug then. Let me clutch onto his jacket as I sobbed. Letting all the emotion out. I didn’t care if he broke up with me. At that moment I wanted him. I wanted to apologize. For me. For being me. That I wasn’t enough for him.

_ I don’t want it to be like old times! _ I wanted to scream. I wanted him. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be rid of this terrible anxiety. To be rid of the second-guessing, the panic attacks, the late-night crying, and the restless sleep as I tell myself that I am not good enough, that I will never have someone love me, that I will be alone forever.

_ Almost _ , I say over and over in my head as I walk home from the bus stop.  _ Almost. _ Not the happy word saying that Christmas was almost here. No. The sad and depressing that said something went wrong. It didn’t work out because of something.

I went wrong.

“Did you ever love me?”

My phone binged. I reach into my pocket and pulled it out. I turned on the screen.

**Love of My Life has texted you**

I haven’t changed his contact in my phone yet. Tears began to well up in my eyes. I open my phone, opened contacts. I found his contact and press the pencil in the corner.

Painfully, I spam the backspace button. And type four new letters.

A-L-E-X.

And press “Save.”

**Are you sure you want to change this contact?**

“Yes,” I whisper as I simultaneously click the button. It was done.

We have broken up.

_ Are you okay? _ his text read.

_ Yeah. _ I respond. Which I was not.

_ I know you aren’t. You are never all right when something does not go your way. Especially with someone you care about.  _ You can always count on him to know when you are lying.

_Why do you care? You dumped me. You couldn’t handle it anymore._ By now I was home. I plopped my stuff down in my room, my parents still at work. They don’t get home until late on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I am used to coming home to an empty house. Today, I’m grateful for it.

He still hasn’t texted me back yet, so I turned on my speaker. My favorites playlist was still playing.

And Alive by Adelitas Way came on. His favorite song.

I reach to skip the song, but I can’t bring myself to push the button.

The lyrics start flowing through the room.

_ And I feel alive when I’m with you, _

_ Every time it’s something new. _

_ Never knew what love could feel like, _

_ Until I walked away the first time. _

_ And I feel alive when I’m with you. _

_ Deep inside it’s something true. _

_ You’re the only reason I fight, _

_ You’re the best thing in my life. _

I once shared the song with him, and later that night I had received a text. He had looked up the lyrics and screenshotted the last line of the chorus.

_ You’re the best thing in my life. _

My mind told me that it was a lie. He pitied me.

I shake my head. Stupid anxiety. It often whispers lies in my head, like a demon on my shoulder. But I don’t have an angel to balance it out.

A ding sounded from my desk. I didn’t want to answer it, but I needed to talk. And he was the one I always talked to. So I opened it.

_ “Dump” is a nasty word. I broke it off not because I fell out of love with you, that I don’t care about you anymore. I still care for you a great deal. So much that this is hurting so much also, but you aren’t ready for a relationship. This past year says it all. And yes, what I said earlier was harsh. Okay, cold. But that was the only way I could do it without changing my mind. You need time, Riley. You need to figure out some stuff about yourself before you give them away. _

I don’t want to admit how true his words are. It hurt to know that he was right. I have problems. And I need to figure them out before I burden them on someone else, burying myself in a fairytale to escape the harsh reality of commitment. 

I stare at my phone, time ticking by without me realizing the seconds and minutes.  _ You’re right. _ That is all I say. All I need to say. He knows me well enough that he could imagine my thought process, and me his. And I know exactly what he is thinking.

_ I’m here if you need me, but only as a friend. I want to help you in any way I can. But I have to draw a line. For us both. _

I smile.  _ Agree. _

I can make it. No more “almost.” No more self-doubt that I will fall just short of the finish line. No more pity on myself.

Today is day one of the rest of my life.

**Author's Note:**

> To anyone struggling with anxiety out there, don't think that you are the only one in a dark tunnel with no way out. Reach out and there will be someone there to help you along your road, whether it be forever or for the next few miles. I am hoping that this story says that, and I hope that it encourages people to reach out, whether you are a Riley or an Alex.


End file.
